


The Clown Game

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-14
Updated: 2006-03-14
Packaged: 2018-08-16 05:46:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8089840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Trip decides that he's done playing the clown game. Set early in the series. (11/08/2004)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: I thank my old friend Victor, a very funny person, who first told me about "playing the clown game". It's not a good thing.   


* * *

Trip sat in a chair, quietly swirling his drink as the party buzzed around him. The hum of conversation was occasionally interrupted by a loud guffaw as one group or another burst into laughter. He looked in the direction of the latest roar, then refocused on his drink.

Travis slouched into the empty chair beside Trip, gulping from one beer, putting a second pint on the table in front of him. "What a party!"

Hoshi settled into the next chair. "Travis, gimme that beer." She pointed towards the one on the table. Travis slid it to her, and she sipped. Turning towards Trip, she said, brightly, "Having fun, Trip?"

Trip looked up and shrugged. He took a sip of his drink.

Travis peered at Trip. "You're unusually...subdued. Everything ok?"

Trip opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted when Liz slid up to him, throwing her arm jovially around his shoulder. "Hey, Trip. Come on over. We need you as part of our witty repartee..."

"Ah, no, Liz. I'm..."

"Come on, Trip...we could use some of your good ol' southern charm," she said in her worst fake southern accent, grabbing his hand and trying to pull him up from his chair, spilling his beer.

"Damn it, Liz." Trip wrenched his hand from hers, standing up suddenly, the drink sloshing in his glass. "I don't want to."

Surprised by the venom in his voice, Liz took a step back.

Taking in the shocked look on her face, Trip sighed and softened his tone. "I'm sorry...I just, I can't..." He shook his head. Turning to Hoshi and Travis, he added, "Excuse me," before turning and walking through the crowd.

* * *

The doors shut behind Trip, cutting off the sounds of the party. He stepped to the side of the door, then leaned back against the wall, leg bent, one foot propped on its surface, drink in hand. He glanced at his beer and swirled it in his glass, lifting it to his lips to finish the last of the pint. Sighing, he lowered the glass to his side, and stared at the blank wall across from him.

Trip didn't turn when he heard the doors re-open. He felt someone stand beside him, and looked down when he felt a hand touch his arm.

"Trip..." Hoshi said.

Trip shook his head, cutting her off. "I'm sorry, Hoshi. I just..." he glanced down at her face, his eyes red, haunted. He murmured, "I can't do it any more."

Hoshi hesitated. "Do what, Trip?" she said, cautiously.

Trip laughed bitterly, then shrugged. "I can't play the clown game any more." He pushed off the wall and walked away.

Hoshi stared after him.

* * *

Jon rang Trip's door chime. When he didn't get an answer, he tried again. He peered around the corridor to make sure it was empty, then said loudly, "Trip, it's me." When he got no answer, he continued. "Trip, come on. I know you're in there..."

The door opened, and Trip filled the doorway, blocking it. His eyes were red, and he didn't smile. He looked flatly at Jon.

"Ah, shit," thought Jon. Aloud, he said, "Can I come in?"

Trip nodded, moving aside to let Jon pass.

* * *

"What's going on, Trip?" Jon said, standing next to Trip's desk in the small cabin.

Trip stood by the door, his posture stiff. "What did you hear?" Trip's voice was flat, and Jon could hear a slight defensiveness in his tone.

"Just that you got upset at the party."

"No privacy in this place," Trip muttered, moving towards his bed and sitting.

Jon turned the desk chair and sat on it, backwards, his arms across the top of its back. "No, small ship. I suppose there isn't," he said kindly.

Trip looked away from Jon. They sat in silence.

"Don't you ever get sick of it?" Trip finally asked, quietly.

"Of what, Trip?"

"Of this..." Trip swung his head back to face Jon, angry. "Of all this," he waved around him with one hand. "Of being cheerful, and _funny_ ," he said with venom. "Of constantly being expected to play the clown, while all you're trying to do is keep your own shit together, make it through the next day without cracking up."

Jon sat straighter. "No one expects you to..."

"Yeah, they do, Jon. They _all_ expect me to play the clown game. 'Be funny, Trip,'" Trip said snidely. "'Act like a southern hick, Trip, make us laugh.' Fuck, Jon." Trip scrubbed his hand through his hair. "And I do it, too. I play along, make them laugh." Trip sighed. "It's my fault as much as theirs. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore."

Suddenly Trip stood and walked past Jon. He stood with his back to Jon, and murmured, "I need..." He clutched his hands, then released them.

"What do you need, Trip?"

Trip laughed, bitter. He turned back to Jon, his eyes flashing angrily. "Need...What do I need?" Trip laughed again, harshly. "It's never what _I_ need..."

Trip took a breath, and his expression softened. "Actually, I have no idea." He gave Jon a half-smile. "I'm sorry, Jon. I think...some time to myself." Trip looked down, breaking contact with Jon's gaze. "I think I need some time to myself."

"Okay," Jon moved to the door, then turned back. "If I can do anything for you...if you'd like to talk..."

Trip looked up. "Yeah, you got it."

Jon nodded, then left.

* * *

Trip sat by himself on the couch in the empty mess. It was late, and the lights in the room had been dimmed. He toyed with a drink in his hand, staring out at the stars. He heard someone enter the room, so he wasn't surprised to see Hoshi beside him a moment later.

"Is it all right if I join you?" Hoshi asked, cautiously.

Trip shrugged, unsmiling, and looked back out at the stars.

Hoshi sat at the other end of the couch. After a moment, she asked, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah..."

"You didn't seem all right earlier."

Trip shrugged, still not looking at Hoshi. They sat in silence.

Hoshi turned towards him. "I've never thought you were a clown, Trip."

Trip didn't say anything, still looking at the stars. He leaned forward, placing his glass on the table in front of him. Settling back on the couch, he said, softly, "What if I stopped?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if I stopped the joking, being funny?"

"I think that would be alright, Trip."

After a quiet moment, Trip turned to her. "Sometimes I think people see me as a caricature. Not a real person. They only see the faade—funny Trip, southern Trip, foolish Trip, what an accent, what a laugh, always getting into something, always count on him for a smile, a joke..." His voice faded, and he looked away.

Hoshi slid closer to Trip. She pulled her legs up onto the seat, wrapping her arms around them. "Being out here is hard. Every day. It's painful. But we're here. We each have our ways of beating back the darkness. You use humor." Hoshi smiled. "That doesn't make you a fool."

Hoshi saw the doubt on Trip's face. She released her legs, leaning towards him. "Trip, you can be funny or not. It won't change the essentials of who you are." She grabbed his hand between both of hers, gently. "And I _like_ who you are."

Trips looked at Hoshi and smiled. He leaned in towards her, and said conspiratorially, "What if you think I'm boring?"

"What?"

"Without the jokes—what if you think I'm boring?"

Hoshi looked into his eyes. Sincere, she said, "Trip, you could _never_ be boring."


End file.
